No One Likes a Quitter

You should usually not quit when you really want to, and you should quit when you really don’t want to–most of the time. Sound counter-intuitive?

I discussed this with one of my own coaches last week as I have witnessed more people around me quitting lately: quitting on their real estate careers, quitting personal development programs, quitting on their personal relationships, quitting on their health and fitness plans. When I stopped to think about it, my coach’s statement made a lot of sense.

There are definitely times in my life when quitting was a great idea. I grew up with a victim mentality and often turned to outside sources for comfort and fulfillment. I gained the “Freshman 15″ my sophomore year of highschool, it was 20 lbs actually, and finally got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and fat. I joined the gym and Weight Watchers. I hired experts in their fields to show me a more healthful way of living. I learned about portion control and the importance of cardio. I had to quit stuffing my feelings down by stuffing my face even though that was the easier, more comfortable thing to do because the results were always painful.

When I moved to Vegas I was mesmerized by the nightlife. I got caught up in the VIP party scene because I thought it made me look important, successful and glamorous. It left me feeling empty, tired and hungover. I intuitively knew I had to quit leading that lifestyle because I had my eyes set on building up a successful business. I looked around me at the people who had what I wanted and asked them how they got to where they were. For most it was a long process, full of ups and downs. All had a few things in common: they were 100% clear on their Vision Statement or their “Big Why” and they wrote down all their goals–which they were all happy to show me. They gave to their communities and they cared about their health and other people. They hired people that had what they wanted to coach them in their business and personal lives.

I hired a coach. I went through a 90 day “boot-camp style” program. I was so excited! I kept waiting for the big epiphany to happen that would change me into the person I always dreamed of being over night.

It didn’t happen.

Three quarters of the way through the program we had to grade our own efforts in the program. I was mortified. I tend to be a little perfectionistic and pride myself on getting good grades and I was unsure where I’d end up. Our scores put us into one of four categories: Playing for Win-Win, Playing  to Win, Playing Not to Lose, or There’s a Game Going On?

I found myself in the third category–the worst one, Playing Not to Lose. I was devastated. It was the largest of the four groups that day. We were all victims. Some of the people were pretty successful so it was a little confusing. We participated in the coaching program, and most likely played the game of life, defensively. We carried large chips on our shoulders. We were just going through the motions. We weren’t playing in order to better ourselves or anyone else, we were just playing to be in the game and not let anyone else win.

My first reaction was to quit the program. Who did this facilitator think he was? Didn’t he know what I’d been through? Didn’t he know how hard it was? How dare him. I was trying my very best and here he was sitting in judgement of me and a bunch of nice people.

Except that I’d graded myself. I knew I was where I belonged. I knew the score was right. It was a reality check and it made me angry. I knew I could do better, I just didn’t know how. I made myself finish the program even though I was humiliated and disappointed. I continued to go through the motions waiting to start “getting it.” On the three hour drive home from graduation I made a list of all the things I was committed to changing.

No more toxic relationships, no more partying in excess, no more sleeping in, no more skipping the gym, no more dodging my lead generation time. It was time to get serious. It was time to quit living in mediocrity and start Playing for a Win-Win. I’d love to say that I had the epiphany and woke up the next day a whole new person and that I stuck to my guns and did everything perfectly from that day forward. That was almost ten years ago. I often took two steps forward and one step back.

I did wake up a new person though. Some days the old habits crept back in. Some days I dug my heels in and forced myself to produce different results. Some days the old habits still creep back in. It’s a process. I have a lot of “fierce conversations” with myself about what I really want and who I want to be and what kind of legacy I want to leave behind. After almost ten years of working on myself I am happy to say that I show up as that person and I live in my vision most of the time. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s the hardest thing in the world. I just keep moving forward. I check in with my coaches and the leaders around me. I hold myself accountable and I allow others to as well. Sometimes it feels great and sometimes it’s very uncomfortable.

Regarding relationships, health, and spirituality, hire an expert in those fields for advice on whether or not it’s time to throw in the towel.

Regarding business, I hear people talk about what they’re going through a lot. I hear some really great things and I hear a lot of excuses. I hear people say that their business coach is too hard on them so they are going to quit their program. I hear them say that their coach isn’t tough enough so they’re going to quit. I hear that they are not being told specifically enough what to do or that they just get told what to do so they’re quitting. I see people stop showing up to training classes or appointments and then claim that accountability doesn’t work.

I say they are not being tough enough on themselves. I suggest that they are not open to changing or trying different things. I suggest that they start showing up and plugging in and doing the things that very successful people before them have done and made work. I suggest they keep an open mind and trust the process. Some will get it, some won’t. Some will have the instant epiphany and say, “A-ha!” For most, the connection and the forsight and the knowledge will come gradually as it did for me. I say start taking responsibility.

Coaching works. Results prove it. You must jump in with both feet. You must show up. You must keep your commitments. You must trust the process. Your coach will provide you with strategies, tactics, suggestions, skill practice, experience, knowledge, some inspiration and a lot of accountability.

You must provide the motivation. You must not quit.

I welcome your comments.

Dana Whittaker
Certified Advanced Professional Coach
www.DanaWhittaker.com

Dana Whittaker is available for personal coaching to those in the real estate industry, speaking engagements, workshops and training events.