There are lots of times that I could have thrown in the towel in the last few months. And it wasn’t all bad stuff that was happening, there were a lot of really great things going on that may have overwhelmed or exhausted me in the past. I’m still trudging along, because that’s what I’ve been taught to do. Suit up and show up, put out your hand and be of service to someone. This is how I’ve done more than just survive in the last few months. Let me explain.
Grandma Lu & Grandpa Al visit us in Vegas with Dad
September was supposed to be full of fun: a trip to Coronado Island for our annual family trip, then to Austin for business, and my 5th wedding anniversary including a few days alone with my husband. While in Coronado I had a miscarriage just shy of 12 weeks of pregnancy, the day before my husband and I were supposed to head to Austin. We were going to leave our son with my sister for the trip and celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had planned on celebrating pretty big; five years together is a milestone, isn’t it? We were devastated. We scrambled to cancel flights, reservations and registrations and check out of our hotel room in Coronado, all from the emergency room of the hospital. I won’t go into graphic details; all you have to know is that the pain was worse than my experience of childbirth. Luckily we were with family and I was able to recover at my mom’s while my sister took our son home to her house to hang out with his cousins for a couple of days.
I spent the first week of my recovery getting over the physical pain. I couldn’t even begin to process what had happened emotionally, although I watched my husband and my family experience it. I decided that that was ok. I knew I had to start feeling better in order to think clearly. I also chose to return to work. I’ve been taught to suit up and show up. I have made a commitment, to my clients and to my family and I take that very seriously. I find that being of service to others gets me out of my own head so that I’m not rehashing the circumstances over and over or making up potential worst case scenario outcome stories in my brain. What tends to occur is that I will be overcome with miraculous creative thoughts and ideas. I believe this comes from the Divine Source; or my higher consciousness, my angels, or God, or whatever you choose to call it. This is how I turn my power over, how I hand up the situation, instead of trying to control everything, and then the perfect answers come. Does that make sense? This is how I figure out what the next right step to take is.
So I came back to work and served my clients to the best of my abilities. Looking back, I know I was going through the motions somewhat for that first week, yet helping them always helps me, and whether they knew it or not, they helped to pull me through a really hard time. Just as I was beginning to feel like myself again, I got one of those late night calls where you just know that it’s not going to be good news on the other end. My beloved grandmother had last her decade long fight with Parkinson’s Disease at the age of 77. Her own mother had just passed away at the age of 98 about nine months before. Again, I scrambled to take care of the immediate and make plans to make the journey to the other side of the country. At the same time, my own father’s health rapidly began to deteriorate from a life time of abuse. I have been taught never to ask, “Why?” There is no point. There is no reason why, or if there is, it’s none of our business. Life happens and it’s up to us to figure out the lessons and keep moving forward. I ask, “What do I have control of?” The answer to that is always, “My Feet and my actions or my reactions.” That’s it. I don’t get to control anything else.
Before making it to the funeral, I had to make Halloween fun for my son, then put on a memorable 4th birthday for him and get through my husband’s birthday. Unfortunately my husband has not gotten much attention and I feel like I still owe him for our Anniversary, not to mention his birthday. (It’s coming, Babe! I promise!) Life continues to move forward, at a very rapid pace sometimes, and I choose to be a major player in this game. I have sacrificed some–sleep, mostly, and some self-time. I’m behind on my scrap-booking and I haven’t seen the inside of a gym in months.
My coach, Allison Crow, thank God for her, let me have it a few weeks ago. She said, respectfully, “How dare you. How dare you continue to give and give and give to everyone else and not yourself? You’ve got nothing left. When in the past have you felt really, really good and ‘in the Zone’? What was happening then that’s not happening now?” Ah crap. She nailed me. I told her the best I’ve ever felt was when I was training for the triathlon I when did or the half-marathon. I said it was because that early morning work-out time was my “Me Time.” It’s when I truly give back to myself. I told her that I would commit to doing some exercise more regularly, and that I wasn’t going to go crazy and train for another big event right now because I’m taking it easy with my body and being good to myself because I want to have another baby. She asked me what other ways I contribute to myself. I told her that I really enjoy scrap-booking for my son online. We decided to time-block those activities into my calendar in the morning: Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my exercise days and Tuesday and Thursday are my scrap-booking days. This action really made me feel better. Now, it hasn’t been perfect, yet when I nail it, I really feel great.
There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. There is no law that says we have to dive head first into all five before we are allowed to move on and feel good again. I definitely experienced denial, on all accounts. The events surrounding me seemed surreal until reality became real for me. I am just now accepting that my Grandma is gone. I kept expecting her to call me and would then remember that she wasn’t going to. I know that she is still with me in my heart and I remember how awesome she was. Grandma Lu was a true pioneer woman: one of the first aerial photographers in the country, a pilot, a real estate broker, a business owner, a nurse and then a trucker. (No kidding, her and my Grandpa drove 18-wheelers for years before she went back to nursing before she finally retired.) I chose to skip anger, over the miscarriage or over my Grandmother passing. I chose to skip bargaining. What was the point? I breezed over depression and allowed myself to feel sadness and mourn my losses and went to acceptance. What can I do from here? What do I do to help myself? What would honor each of these circumstances? For my Grandmother, it was and is cherishing her memories, keeping her alive in my heart and knowing she lived a really great life. My sister and I stayed close to our cousin after the memorial. Our hearts broke for our uncles and our Grandpa who was without his partner for the first time in over 53 years. Later, we went to see a movie together. As it turns out, the movie was hysterical. We were doubled over laughing until we cried. We knew Grandma would be happy to see us together and we felt like we honored her by celebrating her amazing life.
After the miscarriage, I did a lot of research online and quickly figured out I was not alone. Almost every woman I know came to me and told me they had been through it too. Sometimes information can be powerful. Almost all the women told me they got pregnant again right away and that gave me the greatest gift, hope. (Keep your fingers crossed for me!)
Obviously, if I’d lost someone even closer to me, this story would be completely different. I might still be in bed crying. I don’t know. I chose to keep my head in the game while healing myself emotionally over the last few months. The following are some of the steps I took that helped me to keep going. If you are having a hard time with something now, I believe they could help you too.
- Take care of immediate business and personal needs first. Get whatever is in the forefront taken care of first.
- Ask for help and delegate as much as possible.
- Lean on family and friends. They are your family and friends; it’s what they are there for! You would help them if the table was turned so don’t feel bad asking for help.
- DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask WHY this is happening to you. “Why me” phrases lead to victim thinking and it does not serve you one bit.
- Rely on your faith. Faith is easy to have when everything is going your way. When everything is not, you get to practice. Think, “No pain no gain,” like at the gym. It does not feel like it now, however walking through devastating situations make us better, stronger and more resilient.
- Focus on healing, physically first, if applicable, and then mentally. Follow the doctor’s orders if there are any. If you need to take time off, then do it. Don’t take unnecessary risks with your body. Stay in awareness. Don’t stay in bed for 2 weeks to cry. If you don’t think you’ll be able to get out of bed for more than a few days because you’re depressed, talk to a professional.
- Block time in your calendar to process through your emotions. Yes, you can actually time-block this. As any physical pain begins to subside, the reality of what has occurred sets in. If you have a family to support, or other commitments, put your game face on and get to it. Honor yourself and your memories by being of service to others. After hours, spend time with a close family member, friend or therapist that you can talk through everything with. This may take some time. I go to the internet to educate myself and read message boards from others in similar circumstances. There is something in knowing that you’re not alone. Reading how others came through it gives me hope.
- Write in your journal. First write about anything and everything that comes to mind. Record your favorite memories or any insights or specific awareness you are having. Then start to ask your self the “What” questions: “What is the lesson I’m supposed to learn here?” “What positive actions can I take?” “What would honor the person or this situation?”
- Take action. Do something that honors the person or situation. Attend the memorial and share your favorite memories. Plant a tree or some beautiful flowers. Go on a brisk walk to clear your head. Get out in nature by water or in a forest. Sit still with yourself. Allow your higher consciousness or your Divine thoughts to guide your actions. Do whatever it is that gives you a sense of peace. That is always the right thing to do. (It’s just not always the easiest.)
- Laugh. As quickly as possible and don’t feel guilty for doing it. Go and see a really funny movie or a comedian with friends. Life is supposed to go on and it will. Sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes it really stinks. This too shall pass. Keep looking for the reasons to smile. Know that it will get better. Have hope.
Again, these steps are very simplified. There is no specific length of time that grief lasts. The closer you are to a person or a situation, the longer it can take. This is just what works for me. For more information on coping with loss, visit http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm or click on Grief & Loss on www.aarp.org.
